sometimes in life you just needs hand puppets
operation "beaches make me wet" is a go
His facebook status is an owl city song. I'm so glad i didn't end up fucking him.
My dad is drinking wine out of a measuring cup. This explains so much.
Did you really just use your nipple as a unit of measurement?
Petting the cat and listening to "you've got a friend". This is why I smoke weed. To make sense of situations like this.
im still going. this is my new reality. also. dont take glowsticks in the bath. they explode. actually. do. it. its beautiful.
i dont think thats healthy man...
I'm using her two yr old as a arm rest while I attempt to feel her up. Somehow she is allowing it. How this transitions to sex should be interesting.
My roommate was tripping balls last night, he kept me up all fucking night
Roommate? Please tell me you're not calling your cat your roommate
But in fairness, I would totally have a robo-penis as long as it had full sensation.
Like actually I will be single and sad and lonely for ever. Cheese will be my life partner. Robot sex is my future.
i black out too much to be "responsible"
I think I left my bra and my crocs in your room
You now have a new job. Call me around 1pm everyday and make sure I've eaten something. All I've had today is dick and cheesecake.
Grandma said I got a good handjob. I think she meant manicure.
Randomize
