So bad night, ended up beating off to porn and eating Keebler elf cookies.... at the same time :-(
His text read: Sex? I replied: Not drunk enough. He bought 4 more rounds and tantalized me with the offer pizza later. This could be the beginning of a beautiful relationship.
White Russians with skim milk. Fuck I'm healthy.
finding my wedding ring encrusted in vomit this morning really just topped off last night...
My parents just told me I first got drunk when I was 4. Successsssssss
dude i feel like at any given point 3/5 of that family is trying to fuck you
I look like a herd of wild horses chewed on my back. If you bite me again while taking me from behind, I'm going to have to cut you off.
I'll sleep on the bed... The couch is now designated banging area. Any banging performed outside of that area will be subject to fines of cleaning up stains.
He had me saved in his phone as "Dick Socket". Lets see if I ever fuck him in a bathroom again.
Apparently you need a permit for a flamethrower.
No you usually just ranted about the voicemail bitch until she cut you off again
I have a kicked-out-of-multiple-bars level hangover today
I knew you were super hungover. But so hungover you fire our house cleaner because her vacuums too loud is excessive
Being pregnant feels like you have a hangover everyday.. Don't listen to what anyone says about how wonderful it is
I'm sorry that you wanted to get laid and I all I did was play with your new cat instead.
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