Please tell me how I woke up out in the middle of nowhere wearing nothing but a hard hat and a man thong?
Not good, Ive never been this late. We need to talk.
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the last three girls i tried to get with all believed in abstinence... i think gods trying to keep me from being a father
i think girls just don't want to fuck you
i woke up with a wedding ring drawn on my finger...if this was vegas id be worried
Just picture a dyson vacuum with razor blades. That's how it felt.
Dude it started out with let's find some food and ended up with me getting a needle in the face
He told me to put on my big boy pants, then take them off and fuck her before he smacks me with a chair. His pep talks suck.
Just did the walk of shame in front of his dad while I was wearing his gym shorts and my heels from graduation last night. Keep it classy '12
I woke up this morning to my house being turned into a bad European dance club at 8:30am. Do you know what "UNS UNS UNS" sounds like at 8:30am? Murder. It sounds like murder.
Haha I haven't even had my interview yet and I'm already trying to fuck my way to the top. 'Merica.
Waking up with cheese all over my clothes and my vibrator in my pants is a sign we drank way too much tequila last night
Bring me your tired, your weary, your buffalo chicken dip
I'm actually glad the whole thing's over now. It's exhausting to fake a pregnancy.
Imagine not having to fake it.
Yeah, I should never have kids, probably.
Your penis is the destroyer of worlds.
Hey when you get home, can you do me a solid and throw one of your pregnancy tests on my bed?
EPT or First Response?
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