just tell him he has love handles, he'll die of insecurity
Don't judge me. It was less weird than it sounds when we were in the moment and it was his birthday
Now that Steinbrenner is in heaven he's going to make Jesus cut his hair
I'm currently using two paint brushes as chopsticks to eat lasagna.... college.
he locked me out then poked me with a fork when i tried to get in through the window
Nothing like buying a handle and a 36 pack with a baby strapped on.
The guy I met last night said we had a real connection and gave me his AA coin because he met me during his relapse
Either I'm drunk or judge Judy has 3D commercials...so I think I'm drunk. Also I may or may not haven eaten a hoagie on the toilet when I didn't want to stand up
Sorry I need more motivation then McDonalds and mojitos.
If there was a card that said "I'm sorry for throwing up on your bathroom counter" I would send it to you.
I jammed my finger giving him a hand job. Don't ask how, I'm still trying to figure that out.
Like, I can't stand that bitch, but i genuinely hope she gets the help she needs
Dude, you ever snap awake on the toilet at work with that panicked, "How long have I been here?!" feeling??
If there's a nuclear war you can come over. I'll feed you soup and you can rig up car batteries to power the coffee pot and toaster. We can grow tomatoes and chickens.
I should probably just LinkedIn request everyone I've ever slept with so they stop popping up on my suggested connections list
Randomize
