I feel like death. Did you die last night?
Nope. Ready for round 2. Fiesta!
unreal. Greatest comeback since Jesus
yes i saw that this morning. it was my mailbox.
if i dont get laid while im dressed as Tim Tebow, i'm just staying true to the costume.
I was trying to be an adult about it and simply deal with the situation, but a bowl seemed much more comforting.
the paramedics asked what clubs id be in next weekend so they can plan ahead.
Crazy fun. I think I got a concussion from a stripper
I've come to the conclusion all of your awkward and complicated male encounters could easily be intercepted by a man town Yankee candle and a vibrator. Sleep on that tell me your thoughts in the morning. Sweet dreams.
It was like in the Christmas carol when the guy pulls his robe back and 2 small children appear... except this time it was a massive scrotum
He says I vaguely mumbled happy New year, kissed him, threw up and then went back to sleep.
Good god you suck at this wake up call. Seriously. If I can, after consuming enough vodka to subdue a russian soldier, muster up enough motivation to call you in the morning and send you naked pictures the least you could do is pick up.
I swear to god if I have to repeat this to you one more mother fucking time I will flip fucking shit and acidic rain will pour down upon your mother fucking soul
I'm glad you enjoyed the night but why were you calling me "daddy"?
I'm sexting with a 20 year old that has a foot fetish... This is what Sailor Jerry drives me to do.
She's astronaut crazy. She will wear Depends and drive 12 hrs non-stop if you swipe right.
Challenge accepted
First non virgin Sunday. Bursts into flames.
Randomize