It took him longer to undo my bra than he lasted..
Alcohol only hurts me because he loves me.
Life lesson: if you fart while talking to a girl outside, the smell does not dissipate, it just lingers around mocking you
if i had a camp nickname it would be Flick Bean
My number went up to seventeen today. I forgot to add my random hookup on a sailboat.
Sorry if I put you in that 'glad we're hanging out but I'm gonna go fuck your cousin' kind of position
And when he pulled me off the bathroom floor, he just looked at the cat litter stuck to my chin and said "oh sweetie" and shook his head. I think my dad's officially given up hope.
I just spent my entire state tax return on sex toys
Can you send me the pictures of me riding the penis
I had tater tots and weed with a stripper at 4am who compared the size of my boob to her head because fuck you my life rocks
Correction: *I* watched JoJo's Bizarre adventure while he snored asleep on me cock still fully inside me.
I woke up uncovered, spread eagled to my dad saying "you really need to stop sleeping naked."
I took it as a sign from the lord above that she wanted me to creep on these men.
She's celebrating a tinder-match-aversary and I'm not about that.
My Mini-Van Handjob Milf is leaving the company. I need to find a new job. I can’t handle this place without those handjobs
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