Gte hit a new low, I took a poopnap, passed out mid poop on the toilet.
every time fb tells me a dude i fucked is now friends with another dude ive fucked, i die a little inside. thats way more honesty than im comfortable with.
He somehow managed to accomplish karate kicking a door down, cockblocking my friend in the room, and writing "tits" all over the house with a blue sharpie.
So how does it feel getting boo'd by the entire 5 guys restaurant
It all boils down to, who else do we know that is willing to buy our friendship?
You should have seen her, she looked like a skinny Jabba The Hutt
That literally makes no sense
Exactly
She face-timed me on the toilet. My dick is never going to recover from that.
we all thought you were asleep. he found you an hour later sitting outside in the snow lighting a bowl, singing the CatDog theme song, and hugging a box a Franzia.
Haven't sucked a dick since mid December. In crisis mode.
It looks like I jerked off a rainbow.
I don't know. I just have an affinity for nudity when I'm drunk.
How the hell am I supposed to tell that to a group of eight year olds?! It was three in the afternoon for fucks sake!
Please remind me tomorrow that I ate a loaf of jimmy johns bread on the toilet 5 mins ago
Ok thats great. so just to recap: you fucked a billionare in his penthouse last night, and I had a glass of wine on the toilet.
Sorry I trained your dog in Spanish last night. At least he listens to someone now.
I am so horny. It's like all the stress of finals week has relocated to my vagina.
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