something about eating while taking a crap just doesn't seem safe to me.
He told me his mother taught him that move. What the hell do I say to that?
He texted me for a bootycall at 2:00am so I rolled outta bed and shaved my legs but then he decided he wasn't coming over...he lost his bootycall privileges
My picture of a beer can in a McDonalds cup full of ice got more likes than my relationship with her. Is beer THAT much better than monogamy?
I thought she was being abused so tried to go in at the sympathy angle, but the bruises were from pole dancing. I went in at all angles.
I like to think I'd be good at dodging genitalia.
Ugh he's texting me.
Tell him you're no longer interested in what he has to offer; his shitty personality outweighs his sexual prowess.
I'm stoned and just shared 4 cookies with this chicks dog
They're raisins though so they're healthy. No worries.
Oh thank Jesus fuck for my shitty infertile womb. Crisis averted
He's so drunk he thinks he's the ultimate warrior. Told cops he was from parts unknown. Never broke character
Well when I got home you were sitting at the table eating cold, leftover taco meat. I'd say you were pretty far gone by that time.
I woke up still drunk to a beautiful tattooed columbian man making me pancakes. How's your memorial day?
Nothing like drunkenly buying a pregnancy test at 8 am to get out and realize your nip was out the whole time.
if you guys find pieces of my teeth don't throw them out please
You need to stop telling people you gained weight over the holidays. You've been fat since July.
Randomize
