Umm I'm too high to move.
My aunt just said- "pizza is like sex. Even if it ain't good it ain't bad." Obviously she doesn't know us too well.
It was good sex. She was screaming so much I didn't know whether or not my name was Matt or God.
Nah it's cool, I made him pinky promise me he wouldn't die if I left him passed out in the bathroom.
While he was going down his phone rang and he answered saying I'll call you later I'm eating.
I believe I convinced two girls to makeout for freedom last night Hahaha
At some point I'd like to figure out how the weird kid from sociology ended up on my couch naked hugging what appears to be some sort of clothing....seriously it's creeping me out
Bro what are you doing Thursday the day before I go to jail??
it took us a while to figure out sex on a tire swing, buuuuuuuut MISSION ACCOMPLISHED
I feel like the devil is trying to impregnate me through my eyeballs.
I found us a new booze connection and I'm writing college admissions essays. The future is bright.
i just had diarrhea that people from the 1930's would have died from
But did u die
I found an onion in my purse
So...I maybe walked across campus last night with my life size Joe Biden cut out.
You shoulda seen me try and clean up custard from an eclair off the floor while trying to pretend to be sober for my mom. Fucking hilarious.
Randomize
