ugh, i have officially sinned in all of my cute clothes. i can't even wear any of them without feeling regret.
I was doing the dishes wondering what was with all the tiny little cups, but then I remembered that some people drink things other than huge mixed drinks and big cups of water the next day.
Dude, she told me she wanted to bang my dad. I don't know which is worse, the fact that she wants to or the fact that she told me.
I am wrecking havoc on the skinny girls by going home with the big one. She is taking me to see her dog now.
The light burnt out and he thinks the power is out in the whole house. He is cooking a hog dog over two candles. I'm gonna see if he'll make me one
Hay for your next interview you should go in with fake blood on your cloths and tell them you just finished saving a life, then cry
He was an asshole the entire night and then tried to touch my dick in a Michaels craft store.
Sooooo, no second date?
These past few weeks have been a lesson on why you don't put your penis inside girls who live in your building.
So unmotivated today.
Who am I kidding. So unmotivated this decade.
I'm using emojis for drug deals now. It's time to kill me.
So I missed the eclipse because I was masturbating.
i'm at work, alone, drinking a spiced chai & fireball hot toddy. holiday OT isn't that bad after all.
dont ever go to laser tag drunk. you will be judged.
ok, muffins say "love me", waffles say "fuck me", got it.
THREE MINUTES! THREE MINUTES PAST MIDNIGHT I STSRT HEARING CHRISTMAS MUSIC ON THE OVERHEAD PA SYSTEM!!!
Randomize
