i feel so shallow. people in iran are using twitter to write hardcore nathan hale shit about dying for freedom. my last tweet was "i hate the taco shits"
and in the morning, while we were eating breakfast, she was all " i think someone sneezed into my shirt..." she'll never know.
Molly wanted me to tell you, "she hasnt shit on the floor in a while" like she thinks its an accomplishment.
I can't wait til my little brother reaches the point where puking doesn't mean we stop drinking
is it consensual if they're cheered on by a room filled with 30 people?
DON'T LET IAN EAT HIS PEANUT BUTTER!!!
Just remembered that I poured a whole bottle of tylenol in there. It's chunky. It's deadly.
we're going to drop off one of our cars at the police station tonight so we'll be able to drive home in the morning
If I don't at least start a parade that spirals into drunken riots then I'm calling it a fail of a birthday
Because Kyle had a tattoo kit at his house and I wanted one and all he could draw was a mustache or a stickman on fire
And I don't know if this is really ESP, or just a crazy feeling, but I'm pretty sure he has an std. Or at least a cold.
I just started the bonfire using a tampon. Who knew they could have multiple uses?
this place is dumb. no one understands my Sunday morning alcoholism here.
Statistics show that guys with slightly higher IQ scores and overly-trimmed eyebrows have micro penises. It's science.
I woke up with a shot glass nestled between my boobs like a baby bird.
If we were unicorns we would fly together. Like in a pack. A pack of flying unicorns
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