Just had to reach into my sister's bag and shut off her vibrator so my parents wouldn't hear it. I am the world's greatest brother.
Remeber, hes got nothing better to offer you than drunk words and hairy balls.
We woke up next to each other with a mutual look of disgust, and then he left. I knew I should have gone for the younger brother.
mike has just informed me of all the things he would put in his pussy if he was a woman. this includes door stops, power drills & g.i. joes.
"and then my dad would be all like 'hey mike, where's the remote?'"
I was so high I couldnt even listen to music i was terrified of the potential knowledge i would gain.
I just looked at my iPhone gps history... "the gas station", "the park with a big scary fence", "the trampoline", and, my favorite, "where we were when we were about to do lines off a bible".
Dude, for your own safety, do not bring that chick home. I'm pretty sure you're going to find a marsupial pouch smuggling a fresh batch of herpes under that hoodie. Bail bail bail bail bail.
I gave up trying to understand them years ago. Now I'm just trying to fuck them.
When I see myself in tank tops and push up bras I seriously wonder why I'm not President.
No. Nooooo. No way. She looked like Amanda Bynes. The recent one not the one from All That.
I feel like I could get pregnant watching Zac Efron do yard work in this movie
Sorry I steam cleaned at 1:30 in the morning and that i'm such a drunk dumb child. On the bright side, my carpet has ever looked better.
Do you remember telling those ppl that they need to mate and give you the baby and in 15 years you will all reunite and it will be a party?
I dont think the chain smoking, tequila shots or cocaine was good for my bronchitis.
Dude... this pee is not alleged
YOU SAT ON MY LAP!
Wuddup pee lap
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