I can't sleep so instead I'm thinking of all the things I would love to do to you right now
That's weird, I usually just count sheep
I just gave the bartender my number in roman numerals. If she figures it out, she's worth a shot
Just woke up on a dolphin floaty wearing only a party hat. There's blood on the side of the pool and glass in the sauna. Worst fucking hangover. But some guy said he is making crepes so its ok
She solidified the fact that the icon from Wendy's is the only ginger I care for
I told her for every minute she spent down there, I would donate a dollar to the Haiti relief fund... totally worked
He tried to say "god bless your heart" to the stripper but it came out "god bless your pussy"
The bruises are from paintball. The money is from me being awesome
Dave used his AAA card to get my car towed to my house so I could get drunk. Evil genius.
trying to figure out why the only thing in our freezer is an expired loaf of bread, a white t shirt, and a receipt from taco bell for 37.50 from last Friday
If those antibiotics mean you can't drink, ya might as well pack your bags and re-enroll next fall, because sobriety this week would be social suicide.
It was a great idea to buy that cocaine while dressed as an elf. It snowed all night for me.
I just want to buy drugs without having to pay an arm and a leg for it. Is that a horrible thing to ask for?
I mean, it's not like you can exactly complain to the manager and higher ups about it.
90% sure I just sold adderall to my professor
100% proud
She's got a shotglass necklace, running down the street asking people to "fill her up". Get here.
I feel really sorry for my toilet right now
Randomize
