I'll tell you what, we couldn't have asked for better binge-drinking weather.
just saw a midget ride a motorized cooler into the liquor store. i'm gonna follow him home.
There's nothing like sitting directly behind someone you fucked 5 years ago at church on Easter Sunday
He threw up in the campfire, the alcohol in his puke caught on fire. Im marrying this man
Leaving someone plastered on a corner at 3am telling them to just scream for cock is NOT being a good wingman.
So what do normal people wear to parties? Normal meaning not you.
You wear an inflatable farm animal to TWO THEMED PARTIES and I never get to hear the end of it...
Well, that now makes it the 4th girlfriend in a row to cheat on me. I don't even care anymore...I'll date a prostitute and not even worry.
dude, we need a reunion soon, my vagina needs a deep massage. The kitty is ready to play
Your niece just basically announced she's a whore on FB so you should feel pretty good about officiating that wedding next month.
My mom just made me promise her that i'll care about the next guy I sleep with
you got to sleep with him and don't even remember it? that's like sleeping through an entire vacation
"This must be what Jayden Smith feels like all the time"
a day off where I don’t get laid would be worthless
Maybe singing about how you'd bang Morgan Freeman to the tune of Single Ladies while holding champagne and a box of Cheerios wasn't the best first impression on his parents
Last night we proved the theory that "harder" is the worst rough sex safe-word ever.
Randomize
