Yeah. I woke up naked in his bed this morning and remember saying "Get a condom cuz I can't afford an abortion right now" last night. He didn't run. He's a keeper
This pizza tastes like mashed potatoes. HOW HIGH DO YOU THINK I AM?
there was already a condom in her . . and it was bigger than me
i feel like pocahontas...the disney character not from real chance of love
your brother just told me that Guinness is the first book of the Bible...
I think I actually have rug burn on my eye.
first party of the semester tomorrow. thinking of wearing a huge sign that says "my summer was good" to avoid the 67 questions and get straight to drinking
The only funny part about this situation was this morning when they rounded up all the drunks in the ER, piled us into a minivan, then dropped us all off at our houses.
Winning the lottery was the best thing that ever happened to my penis.
Greatest pickup line ever: "We are out celebrating winning the lottery."
He pulled a bucket of fried chicken out of his backpack as a peace offering. Under the chicken was a rainbow bag of weed. We're dating again.
We were still up at 6am, taking shots, because thats apparently how he liked to "get the day started".
I tried to break it off with the married one. He offered to pay off my car.
The side bitch struggle is real.
Idk what the interview would be like but I imagine you in a suit and tie surveying a nervous freshman and eventually leading him into a labyrinth of debauchery and clapping him on the back, saying "welcome to the fraternity, son"
I can't believe you're forcing me to handle this hangover sober
i'm at work, alone, drinking a spiced chai & fireball hot toddy. holiday OT isn't that bad after all.
Randomize
