i was drunk at family dinner telling about my gay brothers sex ads on criags list
Halloween 2010: the NuvaRing girls. You're Thursday. We'll walk into the party chanting "Monday, Tuesday, Wednesday, Thursday, Friday, Saturday, Sunday, Everydaaay".
I'm pretty sure he's lost all respect for me. it probably happened somewhere around the time i had officially slept with every single one of his friends..
what whaaaat?! I BET YOU WIN IN THE TEETH DEPARTMENT.
It was darkish out, I was shit faced, and they should have marked the electric fence a little more clearly. The entire wedding reception saw me run full force into it
Whoever invented the gimlet should be given a medal and then shot
I just remember her dragging me inside in a panic saying we needed mentos and popcorn I have no fucking clue how we ended up asleep in her closet.
I don't know. She kept pirouetting across the kitchen while making dinner. I just sat there stoned.
I'm a hopeless romantic that likes rough sex. Judge me
You may have gone on a date, but I ate chicken nuggets shaped like dinosaurs for dinner tonight. I think we both know who the real winner is here.
That's a beautiful sentiment.
You are allergic to dogs. DO NOT kidnap something you are allergic to. No matter how fluffy.
He can move his dick. Like on its own. WHY DID I NOT GIVE BLOWJOBS BEFORE?!
My theme for the night was drink diego drink! Unfortunately Dora was not there to navigate me to the bathroom
When I came she triumphantly exclaimed, "MUAHAHA VICTORY IS MINE!"
So. Um. Hypothetically speaking...how would one get a squirrel out of the house?
Randomize
