I woke up at 5 this morning face down on my bed with gummy bears stuffed in my leggings. Yeah.
I think the waitress doesn't beleive I have friends coming. I've had 4 drinks and a large salad just waiting for you guys.
Dude they even gave me free lube for being tested! Best. Hiv test. EVER.
Would it help you get over me if I told you that I had unprotected sex last night?
So he says "my girlfriends coming over so you have to leave but I love you"
Sorry for rubbing my feet on you and repeating "good pony, stay."
I just had a horrible epiphany. I have fucked girls younger than Star Tours
This text was so worth waking up to
I'm stuck in a tree and request your assistance ASAP
I'm so sexually frustrated I feel like I'm going to kill my turtle
Stop it. You know what r&b does to my body
So I've already made 5 bad decisions today, wyd?
at this point I think you're judging my taste in men
I swear I'm not
It's okay, I'm judging my taste in men
I told the border patrol officer she was smuggling drugs in her ass. I doubt she cheats on me again.
I must be really high or they really did just bring me a banana split instead of a burger
It’s awful. They need to open the bars. I’m now trolling grocery stores looking for dick
Randomize
