My mom came into my room and told me to flip off the tv. I gave it the middle finger. Note to self: STOP SMOKING THIS SHIT
Making out with married ex girlfriends: priceless
We should make a goal to do one active thing a day, even if its like throwing a ball
And by ball i mean playing catch. Beer pong does not count as an activity
I just met his wife...she told me they have been having marriage problems and are spending his paychecks on marriage counseling...then she cried on my shoulder...NOW i feel like a bitch.
God gave him joint rollers for hands
He caught a squirrel with his bare hands twice. Where do you find these people?
I think there's a website warning girls about me based on the 4 who approached me separately tonight and called me evil. Fuckyoudave.com?
She told me she was eating frosting, then I got the weirdest boner ever
In other news I have discovered that grindr is the easiest way to get free meals
I'm sending midget strippers dressed as bull fighters with mini bottles of 1800 to your house. Already made the call. Jer is going halves on it. Can't be stopped! Won't be stopped!
So, my love of dick may have landed me in a cult. On the bright side, I now have a discount at Spencer's.
It's barely past noon, how am I already talking about double penetration
I'm being hhit on by creepy guys please come one bought me a penis hat balloon animal save meeeee
Had to clear my browser history. I figured if she used the search bar and her name came up, it might be a little creepy.
She got a boob job, dumped her husband, became a stripper, got a DUI in her Porsche and is now dating her lawyer
I’m making her my life coach if med school doesn’t work out
Randomize
