in hindsight, the duct tape banana hammock was a bad idea.
You're sure you don't want to come? I'm pretty sure there is going to be "Pin the Tail on the Baby".
We made the pizza boy do Jell-o shots with us. He didn't even deliver to our house, we just called him over from the neighbors
So apparently we dropped beers outside the apartment last night, and someone RETURNED them! Ha like what? I just walked out the front door to Christmas in a box on my doorstep.
The goal for tonight is vagina. In and around. Doesn't matter who. How. Or why.
I need to establish a pattern of dominance early.... I'm like a slutty Cesar Milan
Taking my underwear off at work was one of my better decisions this weekend
all the one night stand stories i have end with me crying on my RA's floor stuffing cupcakes into my mouth
Someone who makes you cum so hard that you have an asthma attack is clearly your soulmate
I just got a snapchat of a flaccid penis with the caption "happy belated valentine's day." What did I do to deserve this
I forgot a room to the key..so whenever you wake ip and read this...I'm sleeping inthe hallway..please find me
sorry i got drunk at sunday brunch and force fed carrot sticks to your cat
I'm wearing jeans from 7th grade and drinking a fucking macchiato. This better be a good day.
I mean, he’s listed as “Andrew DC Threesome” in my phone. THATS HOW I REMEMBER HIM! How is that not the start of a fairytale?
Last night was fun. Sorry I slipped out before you woke up
Also, your parents get up REALLY early. Please thank them for the bagel and travel mug of coffee. Happy Thanksgiving!
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