I am going to give you the keys to my place
Then I'll give you the keys to my heart
Gag me
i keep myself tagged when other girls look bad/ugly so i look better
headbutted the bartender, tried to bite the bouncer, and pissed on a cops shoes. and i still got laid. god, it's good to be home
Replacing day drinking with a real job was the worst decision I've ever made.
Bathrooms are cool, I think Im just gonna hang out here for a bit.
That's right. If she can't abide by the rules then she gets booted. It's like survivor booty call edition
come back what if one of your parents walks in and im just sitting here eating a cheesesteak without you
don't worry i just saved a song to my personal usb drive to give to the dj at the bar. he's playing old school jlo whether he likes it or not.
Let me clarify that those tears were for losing my fuck buddy and his penis, not to the fact that he decided he wanted an actual relationship with feelings.
I need a kidney, not a pussy. All the pussy in the world isn't going to save my life. Keep your pussy in your pants and give me a kidney.
So the guy I hooked up with during welcome week just tried to booty call me from across the lecture hall at 9am. I don't think he gets how this works...
I'm still working on figuring out my birthday blowjob schedule. I'd love to just have all three of them get in there but I get the feeling they wouldn't like that.
Mike's not allowed to drink vodka anymore. He couldn't get his temporary tattoos (stickers) to stick so he super glued them on.
they told me that it was glow in the dark and would make me magical. I was too drunk to say no. I woke up to a purple vagina.
its like a neon Im stupid as fuck sign
I have been adopted by a clan of drunken skinny dipping tourists.
Randomize
