I understand how i shit in my shoes, but explain why you were wearing them.
She was drunk and kept trying to talk while I was in her mouth. It sounded like the teacher from a Charlie Brown cartoon!
u know what's depressing? a picture of an owl without a graduation cap
He came on my chest. Sat back and said "hey it sorta looks like lake michigan!" kill me now...
Just stuffed an entire cupcake in my mouth after finishing third glass of wine. Valentines day is pretty much going how i expected it.
I feel like our low point of the night was when we had to start chasing with ice cubes and wheat thins.
I should put together a new mom basket for her. It would have diapers, vodka, ambien, and tissues for when she cries about her wasted youth.
for real. if he messaged me that i'd have made his penis cower in a corner.
"I made out with someone too, but then he tried to fuck and I played dead"
Man, you got so high you own goaled yourself in FIFA then got up celebrating.
Geez don't go to a bar for a few days and everyone freaks out.
He walked in on me banging his sister and said "you're both old enough to make you own decisions. Carry on"
But if you do poop yourself let me know. I want that as a tagline. "So funny she'll make you shit yourself."
As you were leaving you yelled at the owners that the stairs weren't suitable for "intoxacapated" people and promptly fell down them.
So I WAS right.
I had a dream I hooked up with Post Malone. I can still smell the dream
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