Every time we have sex I can't stop thinking about Jesus
Um, that's called prostitution
Not if I leave it on the nightstand, then it's called cab money
there's paper in my vomit.
dude, she was giving me a lapdance and her thong had a skid mark. no I did not hit it.
Is it sad that I just used my electrical knowledge to not only fix but improve my vibrator?
If I ever die and svu has to come to my murder scene make sure they know I don't wear underwear always so it might not be as bad as they think
God I hope my hair dresser doesn't realize that all these hairspiration pictures are from gay porn blogs on tumblr.
Boobs are also good for catching the vodka gummy bears that miss my mouth
Now you know my pain. Live with it. Own it. Recognize it. Cause its like shitting napalm.
Its not even real halloween yet. This extremely toxic yet briliant costume is going to kill me
Ugh I don't want to adult today. I need like a dozen more coffees. Or cookies. They're interchangeable.
I think I gave a random lady a dildo
Again?!
His name was toto. That should have been my red flag
Sorry you ended up in detox. It's not my fault you decided to walk downtown in only your underwater at 3am. I think the tequila took over.
But you''re still having sex with him. And a hobo convinced you to.
Randomize
