Threw my underwear in my purse as I was running away after sex last night, went to pick up my birth control prescription this morning, took out my wallet and accidentally flung my sweet thong onto the counter in front of the cashier. Think that was the universes way of telling me I am a whore.
guys are only as good as the porn they watch
At what number of girls whose last names are stored in your phone book as drinking establishments does it become excessive?
He told me to pick a safe word. I said 'cactus' and he said I wasn't taking this seriously and that I wasn't cut out for s&m.
so i had a dream that andrew cuomo ate me out. guess who i'm voting for?
It feels like I've shaved away my winter coat and my vagina is going to freeze if I go outside.
Something's wrong. My throat is definitely not in it's normal spot. Way too low.
Btw...I puked in my hand last night and threw it on the floor. Don't let me do tequila ever again.
You missed me roundhouse kicking a lit glow stick out of a guy's mouth last night. You would have been proud.
I wish I could have seen the drive thru woman's face after " May I please have 20 Mcflurrys.....and a large diet coke, I'm trying to watch my weight for bikini season."
For breaking and entering. I think neighbor dan cared more about me puking in his backseat than the surprise of me waking up there
The sex was so good I feel like I could run a triathlon, hit big at the casino, and defeat ISIS.
I finished OITNB and broke it off with my fuck buddy in the same day. It's going to be a rough week
Me and my girlfriend were watching porn together..... it got awkward cause I kept getting notifications from my family on Facebook
You were in no condition to manage a 3-way.
Randomize
