Why do girls always cry at the bar?
What's the point of going out if you're going to cry all night?
Are they having an exestensial crisis at the bar?
For real. Like, if I ever had to choose a last meal, I would just choose to get high and eat whatever was around.
Been drinkin since 3, wearing a tutu, how could things go wrong
I prob couldn't even get his attention if I had a dick growing out of my forehead
For the record it's 1026 and you told me I could leave you in the bathroom.
I just feel as thought we should spend the day in which we celebrate relationships the same as how we started them. Drunken hook ups.
I'll just dance on top of the ping pong table, and if it's stable enough for that, then it's stable enough for sex
A client gave me a bottle of vodka today. And he was hot with a beard. It's like he knows my soul.
It was the best present I've gotten since I was 5 and I got a fucking easy bake oven. I'm not pregnant for realsies. Celebratory party at the house tonight. Invite all the nice dicks you know.
if i ever get hit by a car or something and become paralyzed promise me youll still be here to hand feed me shots and light my bowls please
What made this night legendary was getting pulled over for looking suspicious while wearing an iron man mask
Weed is now completely legal in Colorado and Washington. I repeat weed is now legal! I'm putting a deposit down on a house as we speak.
ROADTRIP.
Why is there broken glass in my purse?
You stole a snow globe. From your VP. Soooo...maybe don't put all your hopes on that promotion you were expecting
well i don't NEED my liver but it's nice to have one when you're trying to have a good time
I havent moved from the couch and I'm licking peanut butter from a spoon, I'm a beautiful person.
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