I'm masturbating to football. This is why I get guys and you don't
Either way, he made a blog for his cat.
I'm pretty sure he told me he was sterile and I told him I was on the pill. The positive pregnancy test I'm holding in my hand right now tells me that at least one of us was lying.
Apparently she buried shit in the snow back in January and now that it's melted I found a flip flop, 4 spoons, a bottle of smirnoff, and 14 different candy bars
Tonight when I'm getting a bj from a stripper I'm gonna imagine it's you bobbing down there
So i think i'm going to frame my summons tickets and give them to dad as a christmas present...
we shared soup. that is literally the extent of my romantic life right now
I'm going to pound you from behind over a table at the bar while I pull your hair and call you a whore...please pass along that message to Rob
I used my tears to chase my tequila. You could say I rallied.
your life is not complete until you watch a gaggle of murderous clowns dance to gangnam style.
also, what is the correct term for a shit ton of clowns?
oh and apparently my boobs are named "have no fear" and "plenty o'beer"
so go get some goddamn bacon and lay in his bed naked. he'll love it.
you just won the triple crown of sex! your prize is more sex.
I really need to stop sending pussy pics if I'm going to be running for state representative in November
So we were fooling around last night and suddenly Like A Virgin popped up on his itunes
OMG haha What did he say?
He told me that if I laughed, I would have to leave.
Randomize
