so you masturbated because Oprah told you?
The guy at McDonald's just told us there is no flash photography allowed.
He was so drunk that he tried to backflip off a baby chair.. How do you think that ended?
I like how you try to look sexy and just end up looking like a weird boy.
you were on ground yelling about how close the floor was to your face.
some bitch filled my sink with salsa.
What's life without a lamp shade you wore home?
I found your pet lobster in the bathroom this morning. I went to return it to you but it escaped.
Want to come over? I'm getting stoned and watching Netflix and making s'mores over a candle in my room
If we accept the love we think we deserve do we also accept the sex we think we deserve?
I mean, on what planet are nipples suppose to look like that?
I was unconscious Saturday for like 6 hours after I passed out on the sidewalks of our nation's capital. Thank you America, for bottomless brunch.
Nothing says happy valentines day like waking up to a naked man you hooked up with taking a walk of shame
I called to inform you I may or may not be getting laid tonight ...
I'm still very high. To be blunt. No pun intended.
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