We should see who can shotgun a beer faster over iPhone FaceTime
get to allyx's house asap
Ok is everything ok
Yeah, theres just lesbians
omg yes on my way
Its a good thing the lights were off cuz Im pretty sure the look on my face when I touched his penis would have offended him
There are bud lights poping out of the zipper of my overnight bag and my dildo almost fell out in the elevator. not professional
Kid sitting next to me smells like he slept in a dutch oven full of farts. Going to die.
why is my forehead so bruised?
i found you outside knocking on the door with your head because you couldn't lift your arms.
She made me be the little spoon then she pretended to be a jet pack for an hour straight
FYI, Sammie and I made the executive decision that we're getting a pet octopus and keeping it in the ballpit. Just thought you should know.
I DON'T WANT TO DEMONSTRATE MY DICK TAKING ABILITIES WITH MY MOM THERE.
They have a genuine stripper pole secured to the floor of their living room. I am thoroughly take advantage of it. I've made $5 so far. Why don't more places have poles??!
I've found a new low. I was climb-on-the-bar-piano drunk.
in that moment our bushes were one. and in that moment we were pure.
No alcohol sales on Election Day. WTF? Today, of all days, I need to be splurged to to vote for any of these morons running for president.
Yeah, he threw a chair and hit her in the side of the head. She started hysterically crying and then proceeded to continue kicking our ass at beerpong. The girls got talent.
I have to close one eye, because I don't wanna see two movies, I only want to see one.
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