if three guys were standing in front of you and they differed only in the hairiness of the groin who would you choose: smooth as a baby's bottom, the grass lands or the amazon jungle?
i think you're getting too neurotic about why she won't touch you.
When we woke up, I asked if we could play "what does your name rhyme with".....he said 'bave' thank god it was easy
He said he had a problem he needed to take care of before we got omelets and then showed me his erection.
It's just like riding a bike. Only it's a dude's face.
I made a Wendy's employee say fuck this and quit because I started flipping out due to a baked potato shortage. Of course I had a good night
I've been drunk in my life. But I've never been "crying in 5 Guys at 1 in the afternoon" drunk
I'm drunk in a field. the chupacobra is going to eat me. if I die serve vodka at my funeral.
Imagine getting a FB inbox "hey I found your ID on the floor of a bar can you send me a mugshot so I can get a second piece of ID made?"
He took off his priest costume and proceeded to dryhump the teletubby.
I swear if he puts my hand anywhere near his dick tonight I'm "accidentally" leaving all my rings on
You don't understand. On her lunch break she sits on the roof, stares into the sky, and chain smokes. I can't get on her level. She is made up of java monsters with whiskey and a voice that sounds like sex.
You need to stop crushing on your boss or fuck her.
Actually going to jail after your wedding is NOT part of the plan.
You should come over tomorrow. Wine, pizza and my vagina. Those are all great things.
We literally laid down in the back of my car and had sex in a parking lot and it was in the top 3 best moral-less decisions I've made.
I can’t believe the first text I’m sending you from this phone was about how I just got fingered in a smart car on tin can hill
Randomize
