god i wish i could take a shit and a shower at the same time
Dude, just walked by a homeless guy pissing on the sidewalk while he was screaming at his wang. God, I love this city.
she said it was ok for her to take her top off in the hot tub but she didn't take off her bottoms because that would be slutty
do you think my med school application would be worse off if "I like helping others and shit" slipped into an essay I emailed last night?
I think I have vodka in my lungs
Slept in my car last night. It snowed. I peed on the street. Hello 29...
Totally sleeping on a bloodstained mattress tonight. I love life's little adventures.
Toilet is so comfy. Serious question/why does weed make every surface feel like bed?
You were so calm and collected as you strolled out the door with 40 mcdonalds cups in your arms. It was legendary.
Mimosa dick, like his cousin Whiskey dick, is just as ineffective but a lot more fun to be around
Urgent. Do not ignore. What does this "=$" shit mean. Quality foreign dick is at stake here
Don't know how your birthday has been, but mine has involved Hershey's syrup and a blowie. It's safe to say you're playing catch up.
I'm 2 beers deep on an empty stomach, and I just wanna say, I pride myself on my use of commas
I didn't expect the hobit to have that much sexual tension.
Omg. I'm living macklemores best life. I have someone's granddads dog, I'm about to have someone's grandmas car. I look incredible.
Randomize
