I just took a girl with a hip brace and crutches on a date. she obviously can't bone. is it rude to demand a blowjob?
don't worry. When rigor sets in, we'll make sure to get you laid one last time.
You know you're hung over when your pose in art class is lying face down on the platform
Just woke up with three stitches in my left boob. Nevertheless, I think I'm going to like this school.
Just finished texting the 27th male name in my phone that i don't recognize. none of them were the hott kid i made out with last night. the search continues.
the most drunk i have ever been? possibly. the most drunk i have ever been on a monday? definently.
The moral of the story is do not hire me because everything will end up smelling like pickles and I will not sufficiently clean it up.
Saw you fall down on Jefferson and a cop drove by and shook his head. How you didnt get arrested after the party you went to on saturday is beyond me.
Why is there a cash register on top of my car?
I made out with a girl because I wanted to get in the VIP section of the bar because they have these big comfy couches. It worked.
you bit my nipple really hard and then looked at me and said 'i feel responsible for the state of your nipples'
I think my pickup truck has been used for the sex... This doesn't sit right with me.
*swallows 40 gallons of heavy water and astral projects into buzzfeed* Top Ten Reasons Why I Am God
I shaved my asshole for this. That's real dedication.
She super glued his penis to his testicles. And shaved off a good portion of his hair after he passed out at the party.
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