How do i ask the guy i made out with for 4 hours if he is gay? He keeps telling me i'm so adorable and that he had a ''blasty''
i just saw an asian skipping down the street and it made me think of you
There's a woman here that looks like a cross between Michael Jackson and Flipper.
My landlord wasn't pleased about the new fire pit we built him.
thanks for showing me a good time......and your penis a few times. Thanks especially for that.
I'm pregaming before our pregaming dinner...with peanut butter and beer. I think I need to re-evaluate my budget...
Just the budget?
She texted her brother about how much she loved his hot tub. He responded three days later that he wasn't aware he owned a hot tub.
You know just sitting here carrying on a conversation with a 5 yr old about why there is puke at the landing of the staircase
I am currently explaining what double penetration is to the bridesmaid I hooked up with at my cousin's wedding. This is my life.
Just told some little girl not to judge me as I brushed my teeth in the target bathroom
I found her in my pantry with her shirt off twerking...I tapped her on the shoulder and she said she was giving Chef Boyardee a show and to give her a minute...
I love that there are toys on the counter. Coffee, tea, wine bottles, gag ball, and handcuffs.
My kitchen gets me.
when i woke up with 300+ messages I didn't except them to be about coyotes and burning shoes.
This time tomorrow I will be drunk and in a voodoo shop
But the real reason your aunt is drunk crying is because she has already had four margs and went for a 5th and someone is trying to stop her
Randomize
