Blind date just said "Can't wait till I'm married so i can let myself go". There will be no second date.
Just witnessed a walk of shame by a guy in a half gorilla suit. It's going to be a good day.
i love how i spend my mornings exploring my phone to see what i did last night.
Apparently I have a urinal in my bedroom
the condom is still stuck, that's what I get for being responsible
We were talking about threesomes when she went to say who she would have as her third. She did not get to finish her sentence because her bf already said my name.My sheer presence destroys relationships.
Dad and I are shitfaced screaming at Canadians in Walmart. Life is good.
He really thought ahead and just left the tequila in the mail box for late night pickup. Best. Friend. Ever.
I hopped in a random dudes car outside the strip club at 3pm on a Sunday and said "Follow that car!"
Just at the gym drinking. We call it treadmillcolada
my brother has friends over and I can hear one of them screaming from the basement "BREATHE. FILL YOUR LUNGS. LIVE YOUR LIFE." and it sounds like he's doing some motivational speaking down there but that's actually just how he encourages ppl to take bong hits
I JUST REALIZED THAT SINCE LEIA IS TECHNICALLY A PRINCESS AND KYLO REN IS HER SON AND STAR WARS IS OWNED BY DISNEY...KYLO REN IS LITERALLY A DISNEY PRINCE.
Oh my Gods. Why. Why did you have to tell me that. D:
SO YOU CAN SUFFER HAVING THAT KNOWLEDGE TOO.
How does one take the "you're the best sex I've ever had but I'm marrying someone that's sub-par in the sack" mind fuck?
I pity the fool.
Thanks Mr T.
can you come here so we can have really loud sex? the girl upstairs walks so loud i want her to know how it feels
of course
For future reference: bathtub full of cheeseburgers = win.
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