Do you think there is vodka in heaven?
you let me eat a milky way from your vagina. G is not lettin you hang out for eternity
She said she could kiss it, just not put it in her mouth. Because that would be cheating..
Gave out candy dressed as a porn star...bet you can guess how the mothers kept reacting.
I figured it out. hungover me hates drunk me, drunk me hates sober me, and sober me hates being sober. so yes, were blacking out tonight.
Her divorce is going to cut into the amount of time we spend fucking.
I'm in awe of how selfish that is.
She said I had the biggest dick she'd ever seen. And when you consider how many she's come in contact with, it's kind of like winning the heisman.
I figured, if I'm going to wear a gold cape its pretty safe to assume I'll be blacking out as well.
Are we doing anything tonight after class for Valentine's Day or just being lazy and having sex?
If you expect me to say anything other than 'lazy and sex' you're crazzzzy!
About to go get a free burrito for kissing a bald man in public
That's a gentle way of saying I passed out like an 18-year-old on his first trip to Tijuana
I think I just found my soul mate...he's wearing a zebra striped onesie and is into Michael Jackson...I'll explain in the morning.
if anyone asks you the platypus in my bathtub is a gift...thats all anyone needs to know
stop texting me about your public sex.
says she who narrated getting eaten out in a movie theatre over text to me
I'm too hungover to Google him and try to save face.
I’ve been home 1 day and already had sex with my ex and got a blowie from her cousin and currently I’m getting molested by a cougar at the bar!!!! Plenty to give thanks for this year!!!!
Randomize
