508, what difference does it make? You were alone, anyway.
Last night I ate the rest of the salsa with my hands. And i DONT have a hangover? Glorious.
You broke a window with your face. I don't think the landlord will be as impressed as we were.
he called you a drunk bob the builder and you proceeded to explain how you were going to build ramps throughout the house
i was holding a cup in her face for her to throw up in while screaming THIS IS THE DEFINITION OF FRIENDSHIP
Her roommate texted her and told her that her cat died. Now she's double-fisting bottles of wine while howling and wailing her dead cat's name. Not how I pictured this booty call.
Why can't public transit accommodate my lifestyle of drinking til midnight on a Monday?
I just remembered that he had fake blood all over his face last night. I woke up with it all over my dick. He was 50. Please don't judge me.
The only reason I'd ever want a boyfriend is so that someone would spoon feed me applesauce when I'm so hungover I can't move
guy in front of me at the pharmacy just asked the pharmacist for 2 Plan B's and replied with, "If your wondering, then yes I did have a threesome. It was amazing".
Tequila me may have very bluntly told him that I wanted to touch his abs.
all law school has taught me so far is how to fart quietly during lectures and how to out-argue the ice cream guy when he screws me out of extra toppings.
Couldn't finish, so she gave me "the tap," and I had to leave the mound early. Nothing worse than the long walk back after the manager comes out and asks for the ball.
who orders an old fashioned in 2014? even my Grandparents think you're an asshole.
just spent the last 20 minutes cleaning out the soap dispenser. fuck. me. adderall.
Randomize
