I didn't slap you in the face. TEQUILA slapped you with my hand...
I'm at the point in my career when i know a sites a trap and isn't real porn
thats the coolest thing thats happened to my vagina since i dated that guy from portugal.
I may be new to bar life, but full on grabbing my vag shouldn't happen...anywhere.
He made a fake guest pass that was just a note card with "I'm here. Me." written in sharpie, and tried to convince the security guard it was real.
And I swear to god I'll divorce you if you so much as say a single sentence in Yoda talk in our bedroom. I may be a nerd but that's just fucking creepy
Yeah, you're right, it's a conspiracy against you. This small tight knit group of people who don't like assholes.
her wearing orange crocs at the bar was definitely a great form of contraception
Who wrote "the chamber of secrets has been open, enemies of the heir beware" across my bathroom wall?
You might have been able to redeem yourself had you not referred to grandma as "this bitch".
That explains the hand print on my face. That old lady knows how to throw a punch.
He showed me a picture of his family on Instagram and his dad was my Sugar Daddy. ABORT.
You made me brush your teeth last night......for 47 minutes.
I have never been that aroused while laughing my ass off in my life
Everytime after he came, he'd laugh uncontrolably for ten mintutes. He was sober..
I'm not fucking you with a Stormtrooper helmet on!
Randomize
