Are you kidding me. My sex life has diminshed to having wet dreams about jerking off.
I think my hot accountant is wearing banana republic. I miss the days when that ='ed gay. Signals are so confusing now.
I just gave my whole company pinkeye. How's that for a summer intern's lasting impression? BOOYAHH
Squirrels and blue jays and dove-like things. They're just frolicking around in my backyard. I wanna be like them.
just bought a $25 eighth from a chick who has a kid. i'm helping my community out right?
On campus. Grown men in women's sexy bee costumes. Complete with legwarmers. This cannot be real life.
I was just stopped at a stop sign waiting for the moon to turn green.
Apparently I took one a huge picture off the wall at the bar and was walking around dancing with it..
almost got into it with the cashier. bitch dont look at me like that just cuz im only buying wine and icing. ill fight.
Congratulations, you have helped solved the mysterious disapperance of Dani's phone which was found in the munchies cabinet next to the oreos. Your reward is star power as well as a fat ass bowl of Nebula. You may proceed through the wardrobe and into Narnia for your prize.
Ran into his mom at the bar, i told her "i know he's married now but I'd still do him"
Burnt my boob on a piece of hot waffle at work today..I feel like thats a new low point in my career..
How do I send someone an apology text for giving them a lap dance in the middle of a party last night?
Well the cops were called after the kid fell, but we saw 4 cute guys from our window while it was going down, so it wasn't all that bad.
Will you come get your son? He's using an old bike pump to help him fart the national anthem...
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