You supply the liquor and I'll "accidently" forget my bathing suit.
Deal!
Professor used "ROFL" while grading my paper... Do I even go to a real college?
he fucked me so hard my future children felt it
I hate drunken dyslexia, i thought she said "someone to do" not "something to do" long story short i now have a restraining order.
If turning my entire backyard into a slip-n-slide is wrong then I don't wanna be right
Oh. And what's the twitter protocol for following the guy you blew behind a shed?
I'm trying to find candidates for my winter break hook up. I'm going to hold auditions thanksgiving break.
What do you think french fries on pizza would taste like?
i already know. Delicious. Use ranch.
I woke up with my name tag for work still on my shirt. It was a rough night.
Just heard a girl ask "Wait you're not my boyfriend?!" to a guy wearing the Mickey to her Minnie Mouse on my way home. Made me feel better about myself.
I feel like I'm pretty optimistic for a girl that might be pregnant.
Got drunk in Atlantic City Flagged down some guy with two wrapped tampons like road flares for a cigarette.
Don't do it. It's 9 am on a Monday morning and I'm hungover. I can't deal with tears right now.
At some point you said you just wanted to get laid, so we had a moment of silence for your dead sex life...
so you might not believe this but he made a powerpoint. and gave you a 3.5/10.
Randomize
