my professor just told me i smelt like a brewery infront of my whole class b4 my final presentation
the last thing i remember is ordering pitchers of white russians....
If i need to get strippers involved i will.
She just kept screaming you name over and over. Im starting to think this is my alarm clock
I can't wait for round whatever # we're on tonight.
I lost my keys but found four buffalo wings in my pockets
Woke up naked on my floor covered in cookies. We should celebrate fake hurricanes every weekend.
I'm the fucking queen of sexting. I just made a blowjob sound so poetic I'm wishing I were a guy just so I could blow me. Learn from me.
Don't bang him. The amount of Jack Johnson he listens to is embarrassing for even a white person.
I woke up with his condom in my mouth. I actually use them now you should be proud of me.
Just to let you know... If you ever want to get me a gift, the One Direction perfume comes out soon....... It's called Our Moment. It's an appropriate gift for a 25 year old woman.
How do I convince my friend not to get tattoo tributes to her cats?
WHO DOES THAT
I told her it'd send up tons of red flags and she responded by telling me they're her babies. And she's sober.
His family, without saying anything, started a game of quarters the moment the drinks arrived. I love them. If only I didn't hate him so much.
I got a lap dance in honor of your birthday last night.
Thank you.
theres a video...
oh god.
I'm floating on a rainbow and a purple elf is giving me advice. COME NOW!!!
Randomize
