i just noticed 4 flies in my red wine. i drank them.
He left an unopened 12 pack of beer by my bed. I guess that's his way of saying thanks for the sex..
It's stupid hot. I just want to be laying in a bathtub full of margaritas
She just took a mirror selfie at the hospital while in labor.
All i remember his him yelling yahtzee while pouring beer down her shirt .
Also I want everyone to be drunk at my funeral. Instead of wearing black just blackout. That way everyone can celebrate how fun I was
MORE IMPORTANTLY I THINK I JUST WATCHED SOMEONE GET SO LONELY AS TO TURN BISEXUAL??
Who doesnt want to be Yoda? I mean seriously, how sweet would that be? Live to 400, not give a shit about love and all that, know fucking mind tricks and smoke awesome swamp weed. I'm down.
Guess who isn't pregnant with a random sex ocean baby?!?!
At one point I yelled "THIS IS MY PENANCE FOR EVERYTHING I'VE DONE WRONG" and started saying Hail Marys
Thinking about wearing all black to the bar tonight since I'll be attending my liver's funeral.
I'm like, not good at living.
You have to just make a conscious effort not to make out with people when he's around if you want to keep him in your life?
Okay she just told me to turn the volume down on the fan. What does this even mean?
i buy too many watermelons when I'm drunk
Randomize
