tiger just fucked it up for all of us...she grabbed my phone this morning and started asking questions.
"Take a picture of me motorboating molly" was probably not my best career move
is it bad i banged a 25yr kindergarten teacher last night?
No thats like a top 10
Watching Argentina vs Germany during a wedding on an iPhone. Thank you Steve Jobs.
I feel like I need to get rid of the black eyeliner, glitter, and tequila breath before I to that world poverty conference..
THIS IS A FLATMATE WARNING! The white powder next to sink is washing powder I spilled and is not meant for human comsumption. I repeat- do not digest, snort or smoke the white powder next to the sink!!!!
Stephen I'm in a lecture and the lecturer just said 'you can CHOOSE to put something in your mouth and swallow it" i'm the only one here who burst out laughing, this is awkward. Thought you'd appreciate it.
They'll never let you practice medicine.
She's opening her family birthday cards at the bar. So we can pay our tab. Bitches wrote checks :(
It's like when your main girl and your side girl start having their period in the same week
You are the most depressed sports fan I know
Hillary said in her victory speech "We're gonna come together". I've got a lib-boner.
HE LIVES IN ANOTHER STATE
actually scratch that last text, he's the perfect boyfriend. He stays faithful and doesnt find out about all the guys here. it's a win-win
I must stop trying to make out with my friends when I'm hammered.
My prof handed me back my essay on Lesbians in literature, gave me an A and then we had sex in her office. Told you she was gay.
I would offer you moral support, but I have questionable morals..
If he’s halfway attractive, employed and cool with me having boytoys, I’ll marry him
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