I woke up this morning in a strange bed with a kid with an accent playing with my feet.
Funniest shit happened at the grocery store. This kid kept asking his mom for candy over and over and she told him 'daddy said no' and he screamed 'he isn't my dad' so loud everyone in the store was silent it was awesome.
Cuntadactyl. (n). A pre-historic dinosaur of Mandy-like features that is primarily identified by it's inability to play well with others and overall C-word demeanor. Physically, an unfortunate appearance.
i made the cop pinkie-promise not to arrest me if i failed the breathalizer.
Guy passed out in the lobby with a keychain sharpie hanging from his belt loop. 1 guest came in and wrote on him, then others saw and got in line. I'm not waking him up.
You can't use the, "think about your future" line when trying to convince me to save some weed for tomorrow.
First coke bust down the road. Spring is finally here.
if things do not go as planned you should see me walking down I81 blindfolded and pantless
I woke up next to her boyfriend and she woke up next to mine....
This is like a fucked up game of musical chairs.
Tornado booty call.. dedication
If they weren't representing Obama and the White House, they definitely would've punched me in the face.
She started telling me about this odd patch of smooth skin under her boobs. Not sure if she was hitting on me or looking for free advise from a doctor...
I mean, I still played with her tits for like 20min tho.
GUESS WHO GOT ABSOLUTELY WASTED LAST NIGHT AND SPENT AN HOUR RAMBLING ABOUT KRAFT DINNER, HOCKEY, AND THE LAST TEMPTATION OF CHRIST
I just gave an orange Froot Loop the finger for falling on the floor instead of my mouth when I was pouring a mini box of cereal into my face.
We were at dinner and dad asked me to pass the salt and I suddenly remembered doing body shots when I was blacked out last weekend.
Randomize
