Dude why does my asshole itch so bad?
I'll teach you how to wipe better
he must have thought the song was "ejacuate on the dance floor"
Im really high right now and the vending machine is broken and giving out free candy. Please kill me, my life will never get better than this
We did however see an 87 year old guy die and get resuscitated last night at the bar. He then finished his beer and his game of pool.
No. I do not want to discuss your lesbian tendencies with my sister.
She still started it.
I really need to stop drunk texting. My one night stand just agreed to go roller skating.
We made it a contest to fuck on everything in your room while you were on vacation.
One of my students in my 8am class brought me a Tim Hortons cup with a bloody Mary in it. Clearly, I didn't manage to look not drunk when I ran into him at Denny's at 4am. Who decided to let me teach?
Don't bang him. The amount of Jack Johnson he listens to is embarrassing for even a white person.
he told me while inside me and mid thrust that he's dreamed of that moment since high school... awkward
The dorm having an ice machine is their way of inviting us to make mixed drinks.
Qdoba locked their bathrooms last night.. I suppose so people didn't pee all over them? I considered it counter productive considering I just peed on the outside of their building then. I had to pee
i texted "amiibo vore" to my insurance agent instead of someone else. do you think they'll raise my rates out of disgust?
Why do all my exes just become Tom Hanks in Castaway?
That's a fantastic question. And an odd set of criteria to meet if wanting to date you.
He grabbed at it like it was a stress ball or something. It's a boob, not a grapefruit. The fuck.
Randomize
