i wish sherlock holmes were still around today... he'd be able to find my g-spot.
i think you know its gunna be a bad day when it starts with throwing up into a red plastic cup
I need someone to get my backpack from the bar before class tomorrow. I have to give my students their papers back.
there has got to be a maximum amount of semen a person can take in before they get some kind of poisoning.
she pulled the sheets over her head to blow me but the static kept making little lightning bolts and I was too high and got really scared she was going to electrocute me.
when you tell me you got me a birthday present, I have to assume it will show up in a drug test.
I cannot start working out. If I start to look better, I'll ruin ugly women's chances forever. So, really...I'm doing them a favor...think about it.
Just to clarify, I'm still tripping balls
On an unrelated note, I've come up with a theory of everything
he'll always be the guy that i fucked on the bathroom floor
It was inevitable. It was like I was a caterpillar and now I'm a drunk and high butterfly
I just got offered free tattoos if I smuggle some guns from OKC to Dallas for a guy in the hells angels
fuck school, let's just become the worst strippers ever
Remember, I smoked so you wouldn't have to. I'm like the Jesus of Marijuana.
Ik youre sleeping but fyi its 5:32am I'm sitting in the middle of the road bra less and shoeless with boxers in my hand and no ride. Shits real crazy.
I'm not gonna lie, but for some reason I have this strong desire to watch porn with my pint of haagen das.
Randomize
