The night began with "let go home early so we can study for my 9am final" and ended with "show me your boobs for a free pack of gum".My breasts are worth 14 sticks for a dollar.
Just threw up my room service breakfast with my fake eyelashes and pearls still on.
I just got an email from a bridal website with the subject "Countdown to your Wedding Day"... is 11AM too early to drink the rest of the wine we have?
did that guy on the oscars really just tell me to text a dolphin?
Drank another frat president under the table. Thinking of starting my own, gonna call it Alpha Phi Alcoholics
At this point do you think buying mom a pot plant would be funny or highly inappropriate?
Don't try to dry clothes in the microwave. They'll catch on fire.
Even though ive seen her get fisted by another girl at a party, shes still a doctor.
when you wake up try not to move. we are betting to see if more sprinkles stuck to you or the pong table.
I feel like I owe it to them to wear pants.
Nope, had to pee on the side got violated by tall grass. Then someone came around the corner and I had to stop mid pee to dive into the car.. Pants down
tom claimed she had a star tattooed around her buttonhole. i am not prepared for this era of skankyness
we're like the harlem globetrotters of underage drinking
He just texted me a video of him jerking off. He must really be looking forward to the Super Bowl.
You know the bunny onesie you sent me? Happy Halloween, I just did the hop of shame.
Randomize