I wanted to dispute a few 411 charges on my phone bill. The service rep told me I called them four times asking for Lady Gaga's number.
Yes, you did come over last night. You also tried to give my dog a blowjob. You got rejected.
So add panera bread to the places i love to eat that i am potentially banned from.
He cooked me dinner. I showed my appreciation by showing up shithoused and breaking a bottle of steak sauce on his floor.
If i need to get strippers involved i will.
I think it was you who decided that coming home at 3AM and cooking eggs topless was the best way to end our night. Eating the scrambled eggs off each other's boobs, that was ellie's idea
I hope no one at work will be able to read the "who wants body shots" on my chest. I forgot about it.
My math professor just asked us to draw the graph of the derivative of our drunkenness from friday to sunday. Dear Jesus this looks bad.
I just saw a wasted dude crawl out of the road at 2 in the afternoon. Big question- still drunk from the weekend or hitting the soju already?
Pretty sure the cab driver can even smell the sex coming from between my legs
So, sleeping with all of my Vicodin in my bra because I knew she'd be searching my room for drugs tonight. I'LL SHOW HER.
Dear lord though. So much glitter. It's just a big gay explosion and all of my whore muscles hurt.
Hold on - sidebar. My best friend just threw a 40 pack of condoms through my window.
I tried to order champagne at IHOP last night
I think I fucked someone on the flight home last night.
Randomize
