good news, i'm not pregnant. bad news, i had sex with ***** last night and i think i'd rather be pregnant
all I remember was being half naked drinking water on my hands and knees from her dogs water bowl.
What's the point of being healthy if people still don't want to fuck you?
i caught the condom in my mouth.. dont ask me how
This is so stupid. Now I have to call the party planner and tell her that the break up party is off. They decided to get back together.
were drug buddies, doing lines off her ass is just a bonus
We just threw our carpet out of our room. Via fourth floor window style.
There was definitely a significant amount of cookie dough in my bra
That's the saddest description of touching yourself I've heard since someone said "I was just lazily rubbing my clitoris while eating Cheetos alone"
it's like my freshman wet dream come true
I'm going to text my booty call and tell him nevermind, that I got the job finished by myself. That will teach him to text back faster.
This lesson is brought you by a psychology class.
But see that's the thing. I know i'm better looking than you, I just want you to be continually in a state of shock and awe that you could ever get a girlfriend this hot. You know?
I can't believe I came last night staring into my profile pictures eyes.
He was having this drunk emotional breakdown and I was just trying to cheer him up but instead fell and dumped the whole pickle jar on me
It was cool though because he was fine afterwards and somehow I convinced them I did it on purpose...
Learn from my mistakes. DO NOT try to steam a garment of clothing while you are wearing it. The burn is not worth the de-wrinkle.
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