If it wasnt for my iphone and loopt, I would still be wandering the streets in a drunken stooper. Thanks Steve Jobs.
I was hidding Easter eggs in CHURCH this morning when one of the older men came up to me and said "I always knew you'd be a bunny just not the Easter kind" ... Our congregation obviously has high hopes for their pastor's daighter
You peed in my camelbak and said it was a reverse catheter. Not cool.
he literaly had a hockey helmet on and was swan diving off the couch onto the coffee table.
Standards are awful. It's like living in the zombie apocalypse. You can only have sex with certain people
He will. He has no choice. What's he gonna do? Find a better fuck buddy? We both know that's not possible. I'm the ideal friend with benefit. Minus snoring and uneven tits.
As his dick went in he shouted GOAL at the top of his voice.
My dream of watching a live dick sword fight might never be realized now. Currently sobbing, shots to follow
I WOULD SERIOUSLY RECOMMEND THE SHIT THAT I AM ON RIGHT NOW
I'm batshit crazy. I don't know how you guys keep forgetting that
I AM NOT LOSING TO SOME FICTIONAL CROSSDRESSER
These are the last few fleeting sober moments of the day for me. If there is anything you need me to do today, please tell me now
I'm a stupid stupid woman who is totally going to rock this holiday season dick drunk on that Ginger
Kay so its 9 am whose dumbass is gunna act sober to buy pizza rolls
Dude you promised
Came up to an intersection and someone was blasting My Chemical Romance at like 9 AM. They're DEFINITELY having a good day
Randomize
