Heard at work: Get out of my face before I cuntpunch you so hard your granddaughters have miscarriages. I love my job.
I'm moving there. Get me hired.
You were asking people if they could pee on you while you shotgunned beers
I'd be more interested in girls if they were more interested in anal.
Remind me to tell you the Scottish bar story tomorrow
Remind me to tell you it was a shitty story when you're done telling it tomorrow
Gentleman, we have a new medal category - number of women per day in apartment WITHOUT FURNITURE
When they say "all expenses paid" does that include bail?
I will take a blow job from a dude that kinda looks like a girl at this point
Apparently from about 3-5AM I was consoling that crying stripper about her life choices.
You're invited to our X-games themed party. We have an ice luge and every time someone eats shit we drink. It's gonna be great.
I'm like 80% sure we nearly got arrested because we threw fireworks at a car
i know. like I have the nerve to talk about poverty. I eat peanut butter out of the jar.
You kept saying "this bitch", mumbled incoherently for like 5 minutes, took a shot, and kept going.
There's a fine line between kinky and serial killer
I feel like you're the sexual bearcat I've always wanted to be.
You told me not to tell you found out you're pregnant..
Randomize
