god I wish I could record you sometimes, you're so neurotic
Why does Corona taste like a burp?
I just got cut off for correcting the bartender's grammar. I should have never accepted that fucking editors position.
all of the sudden, the other guy at the bar who was celebrating his birthday got a super inspired look on his face and then screamed at me ''our parents fucked on the same day!''
I'm sitting on my couch eating a bag of marshmallows and watching someone run bare ass down the street. What has happened to my life?
Just used my eyelash curler to open a bottle of cider...
I know you're aving fun across the room but I can clearly see you getting a handy. It's not as "low key" as she promised. Also, why are you texting while she's doing it?!
"She's seriously grinding on him while whispering into his ear, 'take me to McDonald's.'"
Nothing like a little " am I gonna shit myself " to spice up the work day
I took a 19 year old to a strip club and ended up in a three way. Divorced life might be OK.
I just want my kids to know I fucked some really hot dudes before their father.
You're going to scar your kids
I can't. I'm going camping this weekend. I do have a life outside of your dick.
Let it be known that on this day, the 26th of October, in the year 2016, I successfully put both of his balls in my mouth at once.
She said I can't embarrass her, the challenge has been set
i just remembered i drunk watched the brave little toaster last night
Randomize
