apparently i ate an entire bag of goldfish, kissed some guy with a girlfriend who now wants to kill me, made my sister sleep in my bed with me while i wore no pants, and told my whole family i am pregnant with jonny's devil baby...never drinking again
Apparently I think casual Friday means I can show up unshaven in yesterday's clothes and reeking of booze.
It was like my butthole was peeing. Felt comforting yet not fulfilling.
Dude just fell down the stars trying to leave class early, the prof just looks down at him and says"thats what you get"
because whats more american than sleeping with a westpoint cadet on the 4th of july?
that girl from work that wants to bone me just said 'the last time i went this long without sex was in jail'. sup, red flag
I want to take my head off and cuddle with it
Maybe it will forgive me and stop being an asshole
The stoned girl at the dining hall just handed me a single chicken wing and insisted that she's "unable to procure more rations"
My office already closed tomorrow. I'm bout to get drunk and build a muh fuckin fort. I shall call it "Fort Fuck You, Sandy, You Fuckin Bitch"
He could smell the liquor on my breath. Fuck. I thought he would smell French toast.
Bro if you were a bird I would puke in your mouth right now
As a gentleman whose genital hole is relatively small, you could imagine my reaction
I'm like 89% sure I could get him to buy me a car in exchange for a half-assed handy.
As of right now, my vibrator and a bag of snickers share the same drawer
I'M SO HIGH I FORGOT HOW TO EAT A STRAWBERRY. A FUCKING STRAWBERRY.
Randomize
