Dude, you really need to stop hitting on girls by telling them you sang a cappella in college.
i spelled "betch" that way on purpose, don't question my abilities as a drunk texter
A friday night jus isn't the same if the cops don't raid my dorm
The cab driver told me he hopes I look up to him as a father figure. Then he asked if I wanted him to take me to the hospital
He tied my whole arm, in its cast, to the headboard first. He mumbled something about safe, sane, and consensual?
oh my god. were standing in the kitchen and were chanting "EYEBROWS" and shaving peoples eyebrows. I have work tomorrow and want to keep my eyebrows.
I told the hostess, two bouncers and a manager i was roofied and made them smell my beer. Turns out I just picked up some stupid bitches CHERRY WHEAT beer by mistake. I insisted they replace my lost beer.
RIGHT?!?! I'M ACTUALLY UPSET I DON'T GET TO MAKE THE 2.3 MILE TREK TO SUCK HIS COCK, yes I google earthed it.
These shoes are way too nice for a walk of shame. Its how I keep myself in line.
i had a threesome. one of the guys used to bully me in high school too for being gay.
Hello Officers/Paramedics, judging by last night, my friend is dead. The money in his pockets is mine, he owed me. Please send me directions to whichever morgue/strip club for pick up.
so when our kids ask "when did you know you loved mommy?" you're gonna say "when she sent me emoticons about slobbing on my knob?"
She has a bong hits for Jesus shirt. Of course I'm going to like her.
Its a good night when you get to makeout with a cowboy
Dude, exfoliate your balls. you'll thank me later.
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