Just saw the homeless asian lady making a hispanic man pull her shopping cart with a harness. I love Boston.
Wine smoothie.... Not as good as I thought it would be
It's 6 am and I've spent the last few hours searching for a cork screw or suitable substitute. You had none. Incidentally, I finally opened this bottle of wine, but owe you a new meat sticky thing with those two prongs. Sobriety is not good for me. Or your utensils.
It's a bathroom floor kind of morning.
My phone now knows what I type and it prompts me with frequently used words. And anytime I use "and" and hit the space key two of the words are "unicorn" and "sausage"
I can motorboat myself in this new push-up bra. I need to go out tonight.
He stumbled out of the bar bathroom at 3:30 am with his jeans unzipped and his dick hanging out - it was the physical manifestation of "blackout with your cock out"
we're a generation of lazy underachieving stoners and uncreative overachieving automatons. you're golden
I feel like i'm walking on a never-ending field of baby sheep.
My backyard is filled with beer cans. You idiots turned our backyard into a redneck ball-pit
Oh god now he thinks I'm into him because I've been staring at him trying to figure out what animal he looked like
Desperation looks like a $1 bottle of vodka and warm Cuban tap water.
Did we seriously steal a wet floor sign from McDonald's then get chased down by a homeless man for it? Never drinking again.
Shhhh less advice, more soothing words and dirty phrases
i'm bringing homemade birthday cake and homegrown weed. how awesome is this text?
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