I realized that I've made out with a different boy almost every time we've gone to mcgoreys....I don't need a boyfriend...I have that bar
When we made out her lip\nose ring fell out in my mouth. Awkward?
shes laying on the floor in a bowl of salsa with her pants half off and she's crying... i dont know what to do...
Wasted on the beach. There's children everywhere. A six year old girl even stood over me with her hands on her waist looking down on me as I was passing out by the water
Seriously, she had fingers that made me thank a god I don't even believe in that I'm gay.
I'm mailing you cans of corn and that's final.
it was also funny because at one point I woke up with my hands tied with a belt and we were both like what the fuck
Currently playing charity bingo with coworkers so if u were ever gonna send a dick pic now is the time
We were having a serious discussion about Blue's Clues and I just kept thinking, 'you've seen me naked'.
Fuck that guy and his dumb haircut and awesome dick
I think God is sending me all these 20 year olds to make up for wasting my 20's in that crappy ass marriage. Thanks Big Guy!
How many hotdogs are you going to eat today?
THE LIMIT DOES NOT EXIST.
Ugh I don't want to adult today. I need like a dozen more coffees. Or cookies. They're interchangeable.
THIS IS AN AMERICAN HORROR STORY I CAN'T FIND MY VIBRATOR ANYWHERE WHICH MEANS I LOST IT WHEN I MOVED WHICH MEANS MY POOR VIBRATOR IS OUT THERE IN THE WORLD ALL ALONE RIGHT NOW WHAT AM I GOING TO DO
As we were walking to her place she stole a pizza from the delivery guy's car and when we got home she grabbed a slice, two beers, removed her pants, and said "call of duty?" im going to marry her
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