things that need to be invented #43: vodka that also acts as birth control.
I got a black eye last night. This guy said for every 35 pounds you lose you gain an inch to your dick. I asked him how long he has been peeing sitting down.
i need you to recap everything for me beyond "i think i'm gonna try vodka-pong"
i just heard Winston Churchill in auto-tune. thank you nerds.
Ive seen teh same guy pissing in the corner. Twice. Its eally weird. My frieds gonna do th funnel. Im so excited for her! Love, cori. Cuz its lik a diary.
As i looked at his penis, it stared back into my soul. No more drinking games.
Which is worse rug burn on your nipples or laying there after wondering how long you have to cuddle before you can sneak away?
I can't tell which way is up. Too many corners around his house too. An arbitary assimilation of edges.
Christ, I swear you are the high man's Dr. Seuss.
I like the odds of his and my children being professional athletes too. To support me in my old age, see I do think about the future.
Oh my god. You have got to get off that breast feeding support group. They're on to you, dude.
Woke up this morning naked, wrapped in a bath mat with a wad of singles on the table. I'm calling it a win.
BTW he text me to text him later after the concert to hang out. Im prepping my bed but I should know I shouldn't count my dicks before they hatch
I just spilled a shot of Patron on your mom.. Body shots may be happening. You better get here quick.
My new roommate is one of my Tinder matches... It is so on.
If that pentatonix bullshit is playing when I get home we're breaking up
Randomize
