Last night, you attempted to motor boat my vagina then proceeded to blow raspberries on it. Don't ever do that again.
We were hooking up, both of us naked. She starts putting her clothes back on and says, "I have to go to the bathroom." I reply, "No you don't, you're leaving." Without hesitation she looks at me and says, "Yeah."
when i came out to my mom, it was over brunch. i was eating a banana. not exactly my smartest breakfast choice.
i just saw some one pass a baby through the drive-thru window at dairy queen.
The stripper from Delilahs paid the desk clerk to find out my room #. Either Im doin something very right or she's doing it worng.
Our new roommate is sitting in the living room wearing a snuggie and clutching a handle of burnett's mixed with what appears to be crystal light and sobbing over a documentary about a dead race horse.
I know. Isn't she utterly fantastic?
His words said "save me", but his penis said "I'll take my chances"
Learn from me. Do not smoke cigs and fold laundry in your room. The cigarette will fall into the dresser without you noticing and your shirts will be on fire. Wanna go shopping tomorrow? I need some new shirts.
It's like fucking tetris in this bed
I promise that I won't shotgun beers with your boyfriend this time, Scouts Honor.
I smell like a brewery and I have been drinking for 7 hours. This seems like a perfect time to tell my husband I want a divorce.
I woke up naked in her room. More precisely, I woke up naked in her room with her and her sister laughing at my penis. I hate my life.
Every person I've ever had sex with is in Chipotle right now.
You poured 151 in your eye, ran face first into a tree, fell down, then threw a lawn chair at the dog...all before passing out in the hallway and pissing yourself. There is no way to redeem yourself.
While walking to class I was handed a red bull, condoms, and a mini bible. I love my school.
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