She was so bad on top that i found myself watching a TV that wasn't even turned on
When he came he sounded like a flock of birds hitting puberty
My biology professor just used the phrase "dick fairy" in a sentence. No, it didn't make more sense in context.
who do i root for if I want Christiano Ronaldo to win the world cup on a team by himself and then bang chicks on the pitch?
so jimmy johns showed up at our party last night. our house is sponsored now. living the dream.
Whoever put the tambourine in the dryer is a douche. Worst hangover wakeup ever
There's so much relief when you realize you wake up in your own bed
just tried to pee in the sink at wendys...need to stop letting my drunk habits get into my sober life
He just lit his joint with the tiki torches around his pool. He is definitely coming to my future parties
It was the textbook our-balls-touched-while-engaged-in-a-threesome-with-our-bosses-wife conversation.
It amazes and alarms me I'm not shocked to read that.
it's graduation. he's gonna get congratulations slash emotional i cant believe youre leaving me sex.
Because I was drunk or stoned for 4 days. I either made terrible decisions or none at all.
You're the only person I know who can be puking into a trash can at 8 in the morning in Manhattan and get a date out of it....
I was informed this morning that I took all my clothes off and ran around the whole apartment complex. Being as they just moved in, welcome to the neighborhood.
Listen this is important.. if I die tonight you have to be the drug dealer at my funeral
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