I hate it when you make eye contact with someone bcs you are about to make fun of them and they take it as a hint to come hit on you.
she just took adderol and chased it w dog water
I think he may have overheard our "how much coke would you fuck me for" conversation last night...
i almost set my kitchen on fire last night. homecoming week is getting the best of me
Take my keys. Load me into the vehicle. Drive. Get food. Come back. These are my demands.
Things I can say. There is a photo of me pouring whipped cream into a midgets mouth.
What ever happened to the whole 'innocent until proven guilty' thing. Like 'not pregnant until proven pregnant'. That's how it should be...
Her mom offered to give me a lap dance. I was a guest, I couldn't say no.
Gotcha. Well, I'm puking and trying to keep down water from a mug that says "love the moment" around the rim. Not loving this particular moment.
All of the sudden your world had become nothing but the sum of visible dicks. Welcome to life.
When did it become appropriate to call your mother the morning after? While still naked in bed? WHEN?!
just cuz theres a goalie doesnt mean i cant commandeer the goal and become a way better goalie
I AM BEING ACCOSTED BY A HUMMING BIRD
I AM IN MILD DISTRESS
worse hangover than the time you almost threw up in a plant in front of your daycare kids?
...I don't remember telling you about that but yes
I’ll call you later. There’s a jilted trophy wife looking for a revenge fuck at my door
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