Tonight was fucked up. First my mom called me and told me I had to go to the bar to pick up my dad 'cause he was drunk. Then when I got there my dad was doing a body shot from this lady who happened to be my 1st grade teacher. By far the most awkward car ride home. Idk if I should tell my mom or not.
He googled "how long will i be drunk" and just started crying
Dont judge me. He may have been ugly but he was INCREDIBLE. He's like the Susan Boyle of sex.
A piece of cheeseburger just fell between my tits. Consider this a "wish you were here" postcard.
So, sleeping with all of my Vicodin in my bra because I knew she'd be searching my room for drugs tonight. I'LL SHOW HER.
The most humiliating part was that I farted while he was tasing me.
Either I think of sex like a man, or all the men in Vegas are women.
sooo the guy I beat last night in strip pong is the manager's husband at my new job...
I'm doing the walk of shame into my therapists office wearing his clothes...I guess go big or go home
I can't believe there are people our age getting engaged and I can't even find a solid coke dealer.
He stole my heart. I stole his identity.
I took it as a sign from the lord above that she wanted me to creep on these men.
there is a naked boy in my bed & you just need to kick him out because i do NOT want to see him when i'm sober.
No, he came home, unscrewed all of the lightbulbs, and threw them in the sink.
What were you even doing out there at 2 a.m.?
Look, i had a gallon of lemonade, a pack of smokes and a Darth Vader voice changer. What did you EXPECT me to do?
Randomize
